I have everything I need.
I should not be sad.
So many people are struggling right now.
I don’t deserve to be sad.
But, I’m sad.
Each wave that comes over me, I try to understand. Why am I feeling this way?
I don’t think it’s one, single thing, I think it’s a combination of a lot of things.
All the hate in the world, the seclusion and fear of COVID, the loneliness when my husband isn’t around, the frustrations that come with where we live, all the work, the feeling stuck, the inability to spend quality time with people, the lack of time and money to get things done, and the guilt I feel for feeling this way.
When I feel sad, my mind spirals. I think of every moment that has made me feel upset, I think of every moment that has made me uncomfortable. I think of all my fears. I think about the world. I think about all the things I want and how unattainable it feels to get there.
It’s this crushing feeling that overwhelms me.
Rationally, I know better. I know I’m okay. I know there’s a lot of good in my life. But knowing that doesn’t stop the next wave of emotion.
And when I’m in it, I can’t be pulled out by rationality. Telling me everything is fine – sinks me deeper. Telling me my feelings aren’t valid because there wasn’t a specific event – doesn’t help. Reminding me “it could be worse” “that my life is pretty good” – upsets me.
This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve felt this way, but I do think the current state of affairs is amplifying these feelings. Normally taking time away, a time to reset my mind has always been the best way to recenter. Not being able to do that, has left me trying to find other ways to cope.
I am writing this, which is therapeutic for me. When I write, it’s almost a, letting go that happens, releasing what I was holding onto. It definitely doesn’t solve it all, but it’s one thing I can do right now to help ease the negative feelings inside.
To be honest, there’s a lot of shutting down that happens when I feel like this and it’s this internal battle to push forward through those feelings. On these days, I only have it in me to do the bare minimum. To get up, take care of the dogs, do my 8 hours of work, maybe 30 mins of yoga, and that’s it. After that, there’s nothing left. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. In those moments I just want to lay down until my mind calms again.
I always bounce back, but lately there’s been a lot of lost days to these feelings. And a lot of guilt about those days.
I feel bad for feeling bad.
I know I’m not alone, I’m not the only one struggling right now, and I do take comfort in the shared experiences with those of you that relate to this. I’ll keep pushing forward. I’ll keep working through the negative spirals and waves of emotions. And hopefully I’ll find a new normal to cope in these uncertain times.