breathe

I had to walk away from my desk. Tears building, I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.

I sat in the lobby trying to compose myself.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Yesterday I was smiling and laughing. Hopeful. Felt like maybe things would be okay after all. Maybe I could be happy if I stayed; if I tried to make it work a little longer. Today, I can barely breathe. I go back to my desk completely shut down. I just need to get through the day.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

At that moment something occurred to me, I’ve felt this way before. That feeling, where shutting down is the only way to survive. The emotional roller coaster, the wishing it would change. The one good day, that draws me in for more.

I’m in a toxic relationship.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

I’m disappointed in myself. I thought I moved past the days of staying in unhealthy relationships. I thought I was this strong woman, that didn’t let anyone break her self-confidence. That when it was time to go, when it stopped making me happy, that I’d move on. But here I am.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Why am I still here? Okay, I admit it’s not 100% bad. I enjoy having a flexible schedule. I enjoy the company of my co-workers.

I enjoy. . . umm. . .Well, I guess that’s it.

That list used to be bigger, but it’s been 11 years, and like people, work environments change. My closest friends are gone, the commute is worse, the culture has shifted away from who we once were. At the core of it, I don’t believe in us anymore.

Why is it so hard to leave this job? Why was it so hard to leave those bad relationships? I’ve discovered this unsettling parallel.

Hope that it’ll get better.
Fear of leaving.
Wasted time and effort put in.

A constant hope that it’ll get better. Clinging to any positive or happy moment, thinking maybe it would last. Maybe things have changed, maybe it’s different now. There are just enough good moments sprinkled in the misery to keep that hope alive.

It’s scary leaving, not knowing what else is out there. What if I fail? Is something better than nothing? What if I don’t find what I’m looking for? What if I run into money issues? The what-if’s keep me up at night. I’m scared of the unknown.

11 years – I put in 11 years, trying to make it work. Giving it my everything. The late nights, the early mornings, the stress, the hard work, the successes, the failures, the ups and downs. I put everything I had into making this work. It almost feels like I’m walking away from 11 years of my life. Like I wasted 11 years of my time.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

I am a strong independent woman.

Breathe in.

I can walk away from this. I will grow. I will find a new path. I’ll overcome my fear and pride and take this leap of faith. I’ll survive this change.

Breathe out.

6 thoughts on “breathe

  1. This rings so very very true.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I quit my full-time job last Friday and the relief I felt was incredible. Do what’s right for YOU. You got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Everything will be okay, we all are here to support you. Get out of there, take care of your mind. When you feel healthy, go look for something that feeds your soul.

    Like

  4. At times you just gotta breathe

    Like

  5. “No humans ever became interesting by not failing . The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Stay safe and healthy..

    Like

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